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I don't know if I'm enough of a hippie to let my hair be its natural color. It was getting really dark for several years, and then I blonded it for the wedding and kept doing that a few more times, but stopped coloring it when I got pregnant. Now there are just 6 or 7 inches of blond towards the bottom. I'm fine about cutting that off bit by bit, because my blonded hair just breaks more easily and looks really ratty. But I have SO MUCH MORE GRAY than I had before. It was definitely noticeable, but it is everywhere now. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to look so old. My family grays early--my mom and my uncle started graying in their late teens--so it's not a surprise. But it is weird. I sometimes feel like am teetering on the edge of giving up my entire pre-baby identity. It's hard to let go of all vestiges of youth.

I am in really poor health lately in general. I think I am really stressed out by all that's going on, though the stress is not nearly as accessible to me as my work stress was when I was working 80-90 hours a week and gave myself all those health problems before. Right now I am eating massive amounts of junk food--I have never done so much "emotional eating" or at least it wasn't so clear to me that that's what I was doing. My blood pressure is really high and won't come down even though I have increased my meds. My gums bleed. I get lots of migraines. I feel tense a lot, but the idea of doing something for myself seems beyond me. I can't even feed myself properly every day.

Evan is leaving for a conference in Seattle tomorrow, so I have 5 days of no help. Actually, I think Emma will come after Blue goes to sleep, so I can sneak off to Seton and work late into the night, but that's not really the kind of help I need. I won't be able to do anything all day. I need to call around and see if I can get a bit of help.

Again, I feel the mama guilt of wanting time to myself instead of devoting myself completely to my son.

It is so interesting to me how negative I sound in this LJ. I am not conscious of walking around in a funk or anything. I feel like I'm at least in an OK mood most of the time.

But I sure wish we had a mama village! I didn't want to do this all by myself! I miss my girlfriends. Why are we all so busy? Why do we live so far away from each other?

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twirlgrrl

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