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So now I'm making a to-do list for the essential work-related stuff I have to do in the next 3 weeks or so. It's pretty ridiculous. I knew I was crazy but I didn't realize I was so deluded.
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OK, so now I'm starting to freak out a little.

Evan went to the doctor's office today. The doctor saw him trying to sit down in the waiting room, heard him mention numbness and tingling in his lower leg, and sent him straight back to Emergency. There, they gave him more (different) pain meds and told him to call his doctor. So we're back to square one, and no one has any idea what the problem might be.

Except that they saw a "bulging disk" on the CT scan. I'm getting that secondhand from Ev, and the final report isn't done, so I don't know exactly what flavor of bulging disk it is or whether it is potentially related to Evan's problem.

Evan's been totally bedridden, except for hobbling pathetically around to clinics and hospitals and causing himself a lot more pain, since Sunday. He's grotty and bored and depressed and worried.

Today, for the first time, I let myself think a little bit beyond the next few hours, into the next few days and weeks. And I got really scared. I am in the middle of a huge crunch, with a frightening deadline on the 1st of December and another on the 14th. Oh, and a big meeting in between, on the 7th. So I was counting on Evan a lot. Luckily we've engaged Danni for three days a week instead of two through December (not that we can afford it or anything), but that isn't going to solve my problem. I started calling around and of course my fabulous friends are already answering the rallying cry, but I'm petrified nonetheless. When Evan takes Blue, he takes him for the entire day and sometimes into the night. No one else can do that, and I can't afford to pay anyone to anyway. It just started to look like we might be able to stop increasing our debt this month, and now that's not true. But truly, I *have* to meet these deadlines. My professional reputation depends on it, and I am not exaggerating.

OK, I'm blabbering. It's still possible that this is a medication reaction and that it will suddenly and magically disappear. It would be weird and rare, but not unheard of.

I haven't really started to think about longer-term disability yet, like months or years. What would be the point? Although Evan said they told him in the ER that he would need a wheelchair.

Anyway, it'll probably be fine, and everything will work out. I just needed to flip out here a little bit.

Happy Thanksgiving, pretty soon, everyone! :-)
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I've been working on my most urgent to-do list for 4 hours and have barely made a dent. I am really trying to get through some email but it's not working out either. There are 70 more from 2/16 to today on my work account that I absolutely must answer or process in some way. 426 items total in my work inbox, most of which need some action, but 70 just since 2/16. I can't figure out why my work life is so unmanageable, and how I could possibly make it any more manageable at all.

I got this Liquid Gel stuff for my eyes, because they get so dry when I'm working at the computer for hours late at night. I was hoping this stuff would make them feel nice and moist and happy. But they are worse now, like they have some dry film stuck to them. Oops. I might have to go to bed soon just to give my poor eyes a rest.
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I don't know if I'm enough of a hippie to let my hair be its natural color. It was getting really dark for several years, and then I blonded it for the wedding and kept doing that a few more times, but stopped coloring it when I got pregnant. Now there are just 6 or 7 inches of blond towards the bottom. I'm fine about cutting that off bit by bit, because my blonded hair just breaks more easily and looks really ratty. But I have SO MUCH MORE GRAY than I had before. It was definitely noticeable, but it is everywhere now. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to look so old. My family grays early--my mom and my uncle started graying in their late teens--so it's not a surprise. But it is weird. I sometimes feel like am teetering on the edge of giving up my entire pre-baby identity. It's hard to let go of all vestiges of youth.

I am in really poor health lately in general. I think I am really stressed out by all that's going on, though the stress is not nearly as accessible to me as my work stress was when I was working 80-90 hours a week and gave myself all those health problems before. Right now I am eating massive amounts of junk food--I have never done so much "emotional eating" or at least it wasn't so clear to me that that's what I was doing. My blood pressure is really high and won't come down even though I have increased my meds. My gums bleed. I get lots of migraines. I feel tense a lot, but the idea of doing something for myself seems beyond me. I can't even feed myself properly every day.

Evan is leaving for a conference in Seattle tomorrow, so I have 5 days of no help. Actually, I think Emma will come after Blue goes to sleep, so I can sneak off to Seton and work late into the night, but that's not really the kind of help I need. I won't be able to do anything all day. I need to call around and see if I can get a bit of help.

Again, I feel the mama guilt of wanting time to myself instead of devoting myself completely to my son.

It is so interesting to me how negative I sound in this LJ. I am not conscious of walking around in a funk or anything. I feel like I'm at least in an OK mood most of the time.

But I sure wish we had a mama village! I didn't want to do this all by myself! I miss my girlfriends. Why are we all so busy? Why do we live so far away from each other?


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April 2017

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