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twirlgrrlI think Carolyn Hax is my favorite advice columnist.
I really liked this one about jealousy. There is lots of food for thought here. I've had such a complicated relationship to jealousy in my life. I think a lot of my friends who have known me a long time were probably surprised to learn about the role of jealousy in my current relationship. I used to be fatal-attraction-level jealous. I still might be, given the right circumstances. But it's no longer my default position.
Dear Carolyn:
What can you do if you are that jealous, overbearing mate -- and you recognize it and want to stop? Hearing about my girlfriend hanging out with other guys just as friends makes me freak out internally and, as much as I try to keep that internal, it sometimes gets out.
Beyond counseling (which I definitely think is a good idea), what can I do to stop myself from worrying that, even if she's not cheating, she's just one super-funny cute guy away from hitting the road?
SAN FRANCISCO
Carolyn says: Are you just one super-funny cute girl away from hitting the road?
If not, then why question her commitment but not your own?
And if so, then why do you have a girlfriend, both in general and this one specifically? Have all girlfriends brought out this jealousy?
Either way, which one scares you here: her cheating, leaving you, or both? Is it humiliation you fear? Loss? Both?
Do you think limited exposure to other men is what keeps women faithful? If only ignorance kept her around, would you feel loved?
What do you think will happen if she leaves or cheats -- that you will heal eventually, or won't?
If you anticipate never healing, would you attribute it to her mistreatment, or to emotional limitations that would prevent you from enjoying single life?
Would you never trust anyone again? Would only women be suspect?
Can you envision being better off without a girlfriend who would dump you for the first available super-funny cute guy?
Can you envision a future that's better for your having suffered?
Do you think your girlfriend thinks about these things, too? Isn't it possible you'll lose interest/fall for someone else/make a stupid mistake? What is it that makes you "safe," but her such a risk?
Is it just that you know your own mind but can't possibly know hers?
And if that's true, isn't she (or anyone else who loves someone) in the exact same position as you?
And if that's true, why isn't everyone jealous?
By letting things run their course, and trusting yourself to handle whatever happens, what do you have to lose? Be specific. Make a list even.
If you don't think that works, what do you think others do to stay emotionally in balance?
Almost daily, I advise introspection -- to know your own mind, and to open your mind to the ways other people think, feel and behave. This time I've typed out a recipe. Put in mental oven, and bake.
I really liked this one about jealousy. There is lots of food for thought here. I've had such a complicated relationship to jealousy in my life. I think a lot of my friends who have known me a long time were probably surprised to learn about the role of jealousy in my current relationship. I used to be fatal-attraction-level jealous. I still might be, given the right circumstances. But it's no longer my default position.
Dear Carolyn:
What can you do if you are that jealous, overbearing mate -- and you recognize it and want to stop? Hearing about my girlfriend hanging out with other guys just as friends makes me freak out internally and, as much as I try to keep that internal, it sometimes gets out.
Beyond counseling (which I definitely think is a good idea), what can I do to stop myself from worrying that, even if she's not cheating, she's just one super-funny cute guy away from hitting the road?
SAN FRANCISCO
Carolyn says: Are you just one super-funny cute girl away from hitting the road?
If not, then why question her commitment but not your own?
And if so, then why do you have a girlfriend, both in general and this one specifically? Have all girlfriends brought out this jealousy?
Either way, which one scares you here: her cheating, leaving you, or both? Is it humiliation you fear? Loss? Both?
Do you think limited exposure to other men is what keeps women faithful? If only ignorance kept her around, would you feel loved?
What do you think will happen if she leaves or cheats -- that you will heal eventually, or won't?
If you anticipate never healing, would you attribute it to her mistreatment, or to emotional limitations that would prevent you from enjoying single life?
Would you never trust anyone again? Would only women be suspect?
Can you envision being better off without a girlfriend who would dump you for the first available super-funny cute guy?
Can you envision a future that's better for your having suffered?
Do you think your girlfriend thinks about these things, too? Isn't it possible you'll lose interest/fall for someone else/make a stupid mistake? What is it that makes you "safe," but her such a risk?
Is it just that you know your own mind but can't possibly know hers?
And if that's true, isn't she (or anyone else who loves someone) in the exact same position as you?
And if that's true, why isn't everyone jealous?
By letting things run their course, and trusting yourself to handle whatever happens, what do you have to lose? Be specific. Make a list even.
If you don't think that works, what do you think others do to stay emotionally in balance?
Almost daily, I advise introspection -- to know your own mind, and to open your mind to the ways other people think, feel and behave. This time I've typed out a recipe. Put in mental oven, and bake.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-14 06:35 pm (UTC)And sometimes I remember my greatness. Then, no jealousy can exist. :-)
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Date: 2008-04-14 07:21 pm (UTC)It's not that I don't have jealousy--I majorly majorly do. It's just that I'm forced to deal with it differently, that is, actually DEAL with it, because of what I've agreed to take on here. You know. It's just funny because I was seriously the craziest freak and I acted out a lot; now I see LJ postings like "Do you let your husband talk to anyone who isn't male?" and shake my head.
jealousy
Date: 2008-04-14 10:01 pm (UTC)Re: jealousy
Date: 2008-04-14 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-14 11:52 pm (UTC)"Do you think limited exposure to other men is what keeps women faithful?"
I think in some instances intense exposure to the opposite sex can be the breaking point, but what it really comes down to is commitment and follow through within your relationship.
"Is it just that you know your own mind but can't possibly know hers?"
Whatever happened to communication?! It's important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt otherwise the relationship will be constantly bogged down by the tone of suspicion.