(no subject)

[twirlgrrl]

I don't know if I'm enough of a hippie to let my hair be its natural color. It was getting really dark for several years, and then I blonded it for the wedding and kept doing that a few more times, but stopped coloring it when I got pregnant. Now there are just 6 or 7 inches of blond towards the bottom. I'm fine about cutting that off bit by bit, because my blonded hair just breaks more easily and looks really ratty. But I have SO MUCH MORE GRAY than I had before. It was definitely noticeable, but it is everywhere now. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to look so old. My family grays early--my mom and my uncle started graying in their late teens--so it's not a surprise. But it is weird. I sometimes feel like am teetering on the edge of giving up my entire pre-baby identity. It's hard to let go of all vestiges of youth.

I am in really poor health lately in general. I think I am really stressed out by all that's going on, though the stress is not nearly as accessible to me as my work stress was when I was working 80-90 hours a week and gave myself all those health problems before. Right now I am eating massive amounts of junk food--I have never done so much "emotional eating" or at least it wasn't so clear to me that that's what I was doing. My blood pressure is really high and won't come down even though I have increased my meds. My gums bleed. I get lots of migraines. I feel tense a lot, but the idea of doing something for myself seems beyond me. I can't even feed myself properly every day.

Evan is leaving for a conference in Seattle tomorrow, so I have 5 days of no help. Actually, I think Emma will come after Blue goes to sleep, so I can sneak off to Seton and work late into the night, but that's not really the kind of help I need. I won't be able to do anything all day. I need to call around and see if I can get a bit of help.

Again, I feel the mama guilt of wanting time to myself instead of devoting myself completely to my son.

It is so interesting to me how negative I sound in this LJ. I am not conscious of walking around in a funk or anything. I feel like I'm at least in an OK mood most of the time.

But I sure wish we had a mama village! I didn't want to do this all by myself! I miss my girlfriends. Why are we all so busy? Why do we live so far away from each other?

Comments

[jaxonsmama.livejournal.com]

Hey girl ~ I don't see anything wrong with doing things to improve your looks. Guess I'm not a very good hippy!:-) I color my hair AND spray on fake tan. Big deal! If it makes me feel better about myself then how can that be bad? Hang on to your youth girl, hang on tight! :-)

Don't feel guilty about needing time to yourself. Everybody needs time to themselves, especially moms!! I believe if you get that time, there's more love to give!

Don't worry so much about sounding neg on this LJ. Getting the negative feelings out has to help release those feelings. And your other LJ is so FULL of LOVE and LIGHT I think this is a good balance.

And finally, thanks for turning me on to LJ, I'm just starting out but am already finding it therapeutic. That's awesome!

Love you

[twirlgrrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your support, miss thing. You know me, I haven't done anything to try to look good in at least 15 years (except the wedding) so it is hard to decide what I want to do now. I think that fat old women can look pretty stupid trying to doll themselves up. You are in a different situation. And you still look like a teenager. Well, maybe early 20's now. ;-)

I am really excited about your LJ. And I just discovered Miss Natalie's. Yippee!

Lurve

[jaxonsmama.livejournal.com]

gimme a break Lis, you are SO not a fat old woman.

[kathykat.livejournal.com]

hey...if you want, I can trim your hair, just the ends...and I can dye it for you too! I am good at these things, and I can do high lites as well. I like a bit of funk!

I have had many hair colors, and many high lights all done by me! I even did Amanda's hair too!

a good excuse to come to my place...after Blue settles in we can go to the "old bathroom" where it doesn't matter if we splatter and the teens can help us amuse the babies!

what do you think?? you know you have an open invitation to come over anytime...I really dig you. and if you are alone this weekend, or even tonite, let me know if you are in need...I'm not doing anything THAT important.

:)

[twirlgrrl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm desperate for a trim, my mom will probably cut a bunch off this week. She always thinks my hair is too scraggly. :-) I don't want to color it just yet though--Im' going to see if I can stick it out. Unless we do a temporary purple job. That would be fun and it's been a long time.

[kathykat.livejournal.com]

oiy, one of my favorites! what I normally do on myself these days is Egyptian Plum and it's a brand that fades out after like 20 something washes...it's really the only one I do anymore...and with that you don't have to worry about roots!